11 May 2025
One day I might write here why exactly I started getting questionable medicine which are intended to manipulate brain's chemical balance. But for now I'm trying to talk about how do I feel right now, after quitting sertraline.
I started gradually reduce dosage I use over the past month and today is the second day I don't get any.
TLDR: I prefer to be dead, no joke.
I feel depressed, really bad. I can't stop thinking about killing myself and bringing an end to this everlasting pain. It wasn't much different even during using sertraline and I know this will be with me unless a miracle happens. And to be honest, FUCK miracles I don't want them.
And it's not just the same old goodies coming back, beside paralyzing anxiety which is part of my personality after last two decades now I have headache, feeling nausea, world is spinning around my head and constant brain-zaps.
It's like someone repeatedly hits me with a shocker.
I can't sleep at nights and despite using some sleep medicine still won't fall asleep until 6 in the morning.
I should add sweating non-stop to all of this plus body ache and sore throat. My eyes heart, my jaw hurt.
I'm freezing (it's 20°C) while I have to keep drying my hands while typing this because my finger tips sweat like I'm being burned alive.
I'm in pain.
All I do is lying in bed and crying. Lying because I can't stand up because keeping my balance for a long time is basically impossible.
This shouldn't be my routine though, university final exams will start in a few days. That's also what feeding my anxiety.
